still tired, getting up at 8am this morning didn't help my tiredness :) It's been a long freaking day.

We got up to meet SIL and co at the Y, had a nice workout, til Mairi bashed her lip and cut it open and I had to end my workout a little early.

As we left, one of the childcare workers whispered to me "I am NOT supposed to say this, but your children are my absolute FAVORITES"

heeeeeeeeee. i have to admit to feeling deeply satisfied and pleased about that statement :D

We went over to MIL's to say goodbye, and I hooped for a bit, wow is that just so fun! Soon I just might treat you all to a video of my hilarious hooping attempts :D

After SIL and fam left, we did a little shopping-did some christmas shopping right in front of mairi, my oblivious choof, LOL. got quite a few things, i feel very accomplished. i got some weight training gloves to wear while hooping bc the back of both of my hands are soooo bruised.

then we came home and both kids crashed by 8pm, ha, so busted by being up at 8am!!

Keith and i tried to watch 6 feet under but meh, not my type of show at ALL, bleeeeeh.

now i'm SO tired and falling into bed myself.

I am feeling very tired. Maybe all the holiday-ness, or maybe just randomness, but wow. I feel beat up. I am thinking it might be how much I have been working out, but I dont know for sure. I'm taking it "easy" in a sense for a few days-I did hoopdance @ the Y today, I still burned my usual 500 calories (what I aim for at a minimum to burn while working out) but it only took me like 40 minutes to hit that, which is insane, it usually takes me a lot longer with running, esp if I'm not pushing it but sort of just jogging vs sprinting.

I had a great time hooping in the gym, I'm doing SO much better, I can keep the hoop up for over half a song, which considering when I first started I couldn't even keep it up at all. My hands are bruised from practicing hand hooping, ouch! But it was really fun and I look forward to doing it more tomorrow. What a workout, wow. I was burning like 8 calories a minute. So even though I'm burning as much/more than running, it feels more fun and less tiring or something.

I really just want to curl up in bed and sleep for a day, but that's not going to happen, so I keep on going.

K's sister and her fam leave tomorrow :( We've had so much fun visiting with them, we all played karaoke on wii today, the kids were so cute! we are going to meet them at the Y tomorrow early (9am, omfg!) so the kids can play in the childwatch together before they go. and i will hoop some more. my core hurts like what, not so much hurts but i can FEEL the work my abs did, somewhere deep under my fat, LMAO

anyway so i've been feeling a little discouraged, it's funny, exercise is supposed to give you endorphins and all that but the more/longer i work out, the crankier i get, wtf is up with that?

I think we need a vacation, so maybe we'll go on a spontaneous getaway this week, i'm trying to convince keith :P

off to bed so i can peel myself up in the buttcrack of 8am ;)

Today has been a nice day, it doesn't really feel holidayish for a few reasons, but I'm so very thankful anyway.

I'm so thankful that God let me keep Eli. I don't think I"ll ever stop thanking Him over and over and over. I'm so thankful for his gummy grin, watching his pride at pulling up on stuff, crawling like he's on fast forward, seeing him dive bomb mairi and love on her, and slime on her (drool/snot/whatever LOL). I'm SO thankful for my sweet little boy, who filled in the cracks on my broken heart and made it whole again.

It goes without saying I'm thankful for my beautiful firstborn. She brings joy and laughter to our lives, and keeps us on our toes. Her sweet voice, her curly hair, and her snuggles got me through my darkest days.

My sweet second daughter, who I miss every day, but find so much more peace and purpose in her life and death, and feel honored not burdened to be able to keep her memory alive.

And my amazing husband, who is better to me than I ever deserve, even after 9 years together.

I'm thankful for spending the day with Keith's family, for enjoying Keith's sister's kids and watching Mairi and eli enjoy them.

Back to the mundane, I miss my family. We didn't see them today b/c we see them all the time, and K's sister and kids (and FIL) we see so little, that they have to take priority. But I still miss my family, our traditions, etc. I can't wait for Christmas to get to be with them.

We went to the Y this morning, not our usual Y (by MIL's house) b/c they had no childcare today. Another Y had childcare til noon so we went there. It was a madhouse but I ran for an hour so yay me or something.

I can't wait til next year when I'm at my goal weight and I can enjoy life/holidays a little more. I'll never be the person I was, I'll always watch my food intake and work out, but it will be with less intensity and I'll be able to have a bit more leeway with food and stuff. Right now I just want to be really strict b/c i want to lose this weight and I can sacrifice a few holidays to get there.

I sort of wish I could have my own thanksgiving LOL b/c man it seems like there is just so MUCH during holidays. do you really need 14 dishes on the table? no wonder people over eat, it's kind of overkill. I'm all for the traditional stuff, but i'd make it healthier, i wouldn't make enough to feed the navy, etc. it'd just be less, more MORE in it's less-ness, LOL

i'm not really a huge fan of turkey day food anyway, so it wasn't that hard for me, plus we were at MIL's so it wasn't like not eating stuff i grew up on, i prefer my gram's stuff anyway (stuffing, gravy, etc) i guess that's good.

i just brought my JC Turkey Dinner with me and ate that, I consumed only 270 calories for Thanksgiving Dinner, and burned 500+ at the gym, so it didn't even count, really, bwhaha.



I will say I missed the desserts. OMFG my FIL was killing me, he made these AMAZING brownies with pb frosting when I was preg with Lijee and couldn't eat them b/c of my GD, but then he came back in April 2x and did NOT bring them for me....and now he brings them when I'm doing weight loss, baaaaaaaaaah!!! And MIL's amazing apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and breads and bars and OMFG.

last night i seriously dreamed about eating cake. i just ate and ate and ate cake with so much frosting, it was amazing. so damn good. then i woke up, at least it was calorie-free, *snicker*

Anyway, so I kind of missed the whole stuff yourself til you can't breath thing, but not really...only b/c that sort of signifies thanksgiving but isn't it really sick and wrong that THAT signifies thanksgiving? lifestyle changes.

Keith did so well too, he portion controlled himself and didn't eat even 1/8th what he used to, WOW. FYI he's down from 260 to 252 in 2 weeks, go keithy!!!!!!!!

so that is that, a good day, a quiet day, but a tiring day!

i'm ready for bed already!!!

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Curtains

Thanks for joining us. To our American friends, have a fantastic Thanksgiving. To all of our international neighbors, we'll eat a little extra for you!

down 2.6lbs in 6 days. I can deal with that. BB predicted 3.1, so it's a little off, but close enough i guess.

i'm in the 220s, barely, but i'm there. 229.3 :D

I hit my Biggest Loser Challenge on my JC board-which was to lose 30lbs before the show's finale, and I blew through that today and the finale isn't til the 2nd week in December. Sweet.

Slowly but surely.

I am weighing in tomorrow @ JC. Usually my WI is Thursday but Tday and all. I was originally going to go Friday but I need a couple more things (Mairi won't stop eating my anytime bars LOL) and I figured a WI tomorrow would be a nice motivator ;)

Soooo I just SO BADLY want to be in the 220s, I don't really see why that wouldn't happen, according to my BB it will but you never know.

From Thurs-Tues I had a total deficit of 11,011 calories, or allegedly 3.1 pounds. That's put me well into the 220s but I'll settle for 229.9 ;)

I'll let you know...

LJ is seeming a bit dead today, what is it, a holiday week or something?

Lots of rambling to follow, and I apologize (but not really) in advance for all my weight loss musings. It's pretty much consuming my life right now, and I'm really going deeper with it, and journaling is helping me unravel the mysteries LOL so lucky for all you, you can go along for the ride :D

Today was a VERY low key day, but in a great way. I feel like it's really relaxing not to have to GO somewhere and BE somewhere every minute of the day.

Mairi's meltdowns are (I think) a thing of the past. Since we reinstated the ear, we've had ZERO meltdowns. She had one brief moment of drama in the mall today surrounding a webkinz (she was buying it with birthday money, but i saw it another store for 50% off, but she didn't believe me or think it was the same one, so some tears ensued, but it wasn't a Meltdown on the scale of what had been happening, kwim? And she was able to bring herself back under control quickly, as opposed to previous Meltdowns where she just lost it for like an hour. Seriously, an hour of screeching, wailing, sobbing, eep)

ANYWAY. the odd thing is she really hasn't been getting our ears all that much, despite us saying she can. She kind of got out of the habit, but I guess knowing she CAN get them is enough to help her feel better thank GOD.

We went to the Y this morning, as usual. I lifted and ran a bit. I'm kicking butt on my calorie burn this week, I expect to see a great number on the scale on my weigh in on Friday (a day later than usual b/c of Tday) AND the very best most exciting part is I know I will be out of the 230s!! OMG! being in the 220s "feels" so much skinnier, I mean only 20 some pounds away from the 100s? That's crazy!!!

Eli loves the walker at the childwatch, he was so cute today, he was at the other end of the childwatch when I walked in, he saw me and literally RAN over to me in the walker, heeeee!! He's so darn CUTE and sooo happy, I love his happy little personality. It's like he knows how much joy and happiness he brought into our lives and just radiates it back! He and Mairi are getting cuter every day, he's so interested in whatever she's doing and follows her around, which annoys and amuses her (sometimes at the same time-she'll start to get annoyed, and then he'll laugh and she'll be forced to laugh and then everyone's laughing :D)

He's also just chowing food like the beast he is-today he ate a ton of minestrone soup, and he loves greek yogurt. Tomorrow he's having some pasta with his veggies, I bet he'll love that.

Backtracking, after the gym we went to Panera for lunch, Mairi's pick. Eli enjoyed some French Onion soup with her, LOL. K and I split the Asian Sesame Chix salad, it's so amazing.

Then we went to *gasp* the mall. K hates the mall, but I wanted to walk around a bit, a few things I was looking for and M had her birthday money she wanted to spend. I got some socks for M, but need some for Eli-but Gap, ON and TCP all had the socks I hate, the roll down top socks, no thanks. I want like the ankle type socks for Eli but can't find them, who makes them for babies? He has no socks. I think he needs some LOL

So eli slept in the hotsling on Keith for the 2.5 hours we were at the mall (much of that was spent in Barnes and Noble though, reading and relaxing!) We did get some socks for Mairi at ON (Sale for $1!) and K got a $25 hoodie for $7!

Then K had class, so we came home, chilled out, had a big cuddle puddle and watched a movie/played. Mairi also did spin art for like 2 hours, she got it for her bday and LOVES it, it's her fave thing ever, she used all the paper up tonight, ha!!! I loved spin art in school!!! It was my fave too.

I did a bunch of cooking tonight, for K's meals for the next few days. Black Bean burritos and penne bolognese, which I had never made but omfg is so good. I tried a little bite and WOW. I might have to have some!!! Seriously insanely good. Simple but good, great cold fall food.

I also cooked up some other odds and ends and froze a bunch of portions for eli for food for whenever.

Then the littles fell asleep and K and i have been doing school work.

Randomly, I'm super hungry today, like really, really stomach growling hungry. I ate my usual amount of calories (1661) and while I had a great burn today (20ish minutes to go, but it'll be about 3550ish!!!) but nothing I haven't been doing. So why the feeling of starving I don't know. And I've had tons of water today, probably around 80oz or so, so I'm not dehydrated.

in other news, i'm buying an "activity center" thing on CL for Eli. it's 12 panels, that fit together (kinda like a superyard but not as tall, probably about half as high as eli when he's standing up, and colored) b/c he's a maniac all of a sudden.

just since sunday he's decided he can crawl at the speed of light and he freaking puts every damn thing in his mouth, today alone he had like 5 things in there at various times, that i NEVER saw on the floor (nothing he probably would have choked on-part of a leaf that got tracked in, a piece of lint, etc) and he can get in all the nooks and crannies in the living room (under my recliner, pulling computer cords, etc) so I'm putting 6 panels in the living room so he can mostly have the run of the living room but be contained, and 6 panels in the playroom. that way m can still play, and he can't get into her stuff and she can have space, or get in and play with him. he's supposed to be my easy baby darn it, not trying to eat the world! :)

K's sister (with kids) comes tomorrow, we are all SO excited to see her, K's relationship with her has just been growing so strong (maybe mine too, but i never assume anyone likes me, been there, got burned by that) and Mairi just adores her cousins more than anyone in the world just about...so it's going to be a great visit.

On that note, time for me to go watch something with Keithy.

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Today was a weird day b/c it didn't feel like a Sunday. We didn't do our usual routine of going out to my aunt's house for the day, so it threw me all off LOL

First of all, Eli woke up at 8am, which I have NO IDEA how or why that happened, it was quite odd. He just woke up and was wide awake and so happy and talking...the rest of us were like GO BACK TO SLEEP ELI!

LMAO!!!

Keith is the best obviously and got up with him and I snuggled in bed for TWO HOURS by myself, I kid you not, I think that is the most sleep I've gotten alone (ie comfortable!) since Eli was born, it was amazing!

Then as I was waking up at 10am, Keith brought Eli back to nurse and go to sleep, so we couldn't make it to church, Eli just crashed, crazy baby boy!

I nursed him back to sleep and he slept for two hours.

I wrote 2 papers while he slept and got ready for the Y-I decided to not take a day off, b/c we were going over to MIL's, which is right by our Y, so why not. HA Y NOT. Funny.

Anyway, we went to the Y, and I ran for 80 minutes (kind of a random number of minutes, but just what it works out to, my goal is to get up to 90 minutes soon)

I worked my BUTT OFF today, and guess what. i ran two miles in 18.24 minutes!!! That's awesome for me, who it used to take like 15 minutes to run one mile back in September! Hurray!

Then we went over to MIL's and spent the afternoon/evening there, as Keith's sister (without kids) flew into town for the weekend for a quick visit since she can't make it for Thanksgiving. It was nice to catch up with her, she hasn't seen Eli (or us) since April, that's forever in baby time!

Eli was all over the place tonight, and he pulled up all by himself on the kitchen chair, I told him to stop that nonsense immediately, and he laughed at me and did it again...and again and again. MIL assured me that Keith walked by 10 months and I told Eli that he may not walk until next year at the earliest, and if he really wanted to wait and give me a birthday present of walking, April would be fine...I have no desire for an early walker, I think it's a punishment from God, bwahaha. i don't want to have to start chasing him around any sooner than is necessary, thankyouverymuch.

So that was our day, just a pretty low key day all things considered.

Pics from M's bday party, courtesy of the awesome babythunder since we realized when we got there that our camera battery was dead, grrr.

( Party!! )

Busy and fun today, yay!

I got up early to go to Pilates at the Y by our house (not our usual Y) but the class was beyond full and I wasn't interested in like touching someone's body by being so close to them b/c it was so packed when doing the class, LOL, so I went to the wellness center and just ran for 40 minutes instead :) And we are heading to the Y (our usual one) in a few minutes, and I'll run some more. Run run run run runny run. It's sort of like all I ever do anymore, but only for a while. Once I lose my weight I can cut back-still going to the Y but it won't have to be as intense, often and long just to maintain. Yay for that day, hopefully by next summer I'll be at my ultimate goal weight, even though I have no idea what my ultimate goal weight IS, LOL. If I hit 185 or close to it by Eli's birthday in March, and want to get down to 150, probably by June/July/August it's feasible.

Anyway, after the Y I went to run some errands=had to get goody bags for M's party (who else LOVES that you can buy them all put together now, hello!) and there was a crazy long line outside of Borders, which is in the Party city Plaza, b/c Sarah Palin is going to be there tonight. I was going to go and take my gram, who loves her, until I figured out that it was going to be insanity. Weird. There really is not one person in this entire world that I would want to see badly enough to stand in a stupid line for hours on end. Unless Edward Cullen really was a real person, then I'd reevaluate that statement, LMAO.

And honestly, I know all my republican buddies are all yay rah rah Sarah Palin but I am not so much and I hope to GOD she doesn't seriously think she should run for President in the next election (or not so much her, but the powers that be in the party) b/c otherwise, I think it'd be as bad as Obama, HA. Blasphemy, I know.

Moving on, I went to Old Navy, I hadn't been there in forever b/c even their XXL didn't fit me and I was angry with them and holding a grudge :)

I decided to see what was up today, i really needed some new clothes...and they were having a 50% off their clearance sale which is my fave.

I got 3 shirts for me, for $2 each!! I got an awesome pink workout out top with..a DRAGONFLY on it! A big huge one! And since workout time is part catti time, it's perfect :) And guess what. I fit into XLs now there!! What the!! I got a whole stack of XXL stuff and none of it fit LOL. Weird.

And I got a nice black shirt and a cute tshirt. I got 4 shirts for Mairi for like $1, and splurged and spent $8 on a fleece romper for Lijee b/c it says "JOY" on it, how perfect is THAT? Our little Elijah Asher :D

Came home, Keith was cleaning the house, he rocks. And lijee was so glad to see me my boobs, LOL Funny boy.

I cleaned M's closet...again...it's a daily battle I tell you, I put a lock on it to help but...it's still rough. I cleaned out 3 bags of stuff (yes THREE) and it's a little more manageable now maybe. Put away summer stuff, packed up too small stuff, etc.

Then I had my heart attack moment of the day-my fear isn't SIDS anymore, which almost kept me paralyzed the first 6 months of Eli's life...nope, I'm over that, but it's a horrific fear of him CHOKING. He is NOT like M as a baby, who never put anything in her mouth, seriously, she never, ever ever ever did, at all.

Eli on the other hand, can find the most microscopic piece of ANYTHING and promptly attempts to eat it, and he's DAMN fast, and it scares the crap out of me. I'm seriously so anxious about it all the time and it sucks. I just want to put him in his neglectomatic so I know he's ok :X

Anyway he was playing on the floor in the playroom, while I did M's closet (which is in the playroom, it's our half bath that we converted to a walk in closet/bathroom LOL) and I hear him kind of coughing. I always freak out when he coughs, so I ran over to him, picked him up, and he was fine, I mean just a cough here or there.

I called Keith from the living room, he told me he was fine and it was just a little cough. But he kept coughing every so often, Keith patted him on the back, but nothing was there> Did finger sweeps of his cheek and back of his throat, nothing.

But I just KNEW something was wrong, despite that fact I always think something was wrong, so I made Keith stay in there, I kept finger sweeping and finally swept WAY down his throat, my finger in his mouth as far as possible...and POP. Out came a sharp piece of hard plastic, it was the top of a package that we opened (and K swore he threw away, our cats are evil and probably batted it out of the garbage, I don't even know) Then he gagged up lots of spit, but he was fine.

*whew*

Great. Now I can be even EXTRA more paranoid b/c it really happened, him having something lodged in his throat (granted it wasn't really restricting airway, but it was a big chunk of plastic!)

Man but I yearn for the carefree days of being a first time mama, no loss to taint my world, innocence lost, and reality of living without a baby to dog my every footsteps. It effing sucks.

On to more pleasant thoughts-

Now it's back to the gym and then M's bday party is tonight at the Y-a THIRD Y, LOL not the one I went to this morning and not the one we go to, hehe. It's the downtown Y. Busy busy :) Lots of bday party pics later!

my ankle hurts. it's been hurting for a while and i've been ignoring it. i have a ridiculously high pain tolerance (examples are: i broke my wrist and continued to play basketball, MAKING shots, etc LOL-not once but twice! and i broke a bone in my foot playing soccer and never knew it til about 2 years later when I had an xray on my toe...and the doc was like "oh so did you know you broke a bone in your foot, i am guessing you didn't know since it healed crooked as if it was never in a cast." Hmm, interesting LOL.)

So all that being said, i tend to downplay any injuries or problems and not really feel a lot of pain or complain about stuff.

but MAN my ankle hurts!! and i've had ankle problems on and off for years-since high school basketball, i used to have to wrap my ankle before games because I twisted it so often...and then when K and I were dating I broke it...and it's the same bone/place that is killing me, so I suppose at some point I need to go get it checked out. Blah. Keith thinks it's my ligament, which it probably is, from running so much lately...i really don't want to have to start wrapping my ankle before running, and i admit that i am loathe to get it looked at for fear they will tell me i can't run anymore :(

in other news, it was a GREAT mairi day today, FINALLY, after WEEKS, my choofygirl was HERE, all day long-a few minor blips but she quickly was able to calm down before any tears, hysterics, meltdowns or anything ensued.

a few times when she was getting tired or to the point that would inevitably in weeks past led to the point of no return ie meltdown land, she simply snuggled close for an ear break.

so i will give it more than 2 days before declaring "this is it!" but i am thinking so.

ran for 80 minutes today @ the gym. mairi got her haircut. we went to the amerks game. that's the summary of my day :)

now to bed so i can get up for pilates, gross. LOL

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So she got it cut. I almost cancelled, LOL. I was so sad, and I usually make fun of sentimental crap like this, bwahhahaha. that's what I get!!!

She was literally just vibrating with excitement ALL day, sooooo happy and looking forward to it, i didn't realize how unhappy she was with her hair, which sounds sort of funny but hey i know i feel crappy when my hair isn't how i like it, so i assume it could be the same for an almost five year old! after the haircut she was so happy and bouncing around and stuff, she couldn't take her eyes off her hair in the salon, LMAO.

We went back to Sweet and Sassy, which is a boutique salon for little girls only in Pittsford, it's adorable and just such fun, she loevs it. They have a runway there they can walk when they are done, LOL, and other stuff.

On to the pics...her curls are even more curlicious!

( Short hair! )

Mairi's been bothering me for weeks (months?) to get her hair cut "short like yours mama"

So I'm giving in. It's her hair. She never wears it down b/c she doesn't like it long. So here's to a short chop chop bob, hoping it looks as cute as it does in my mind (and hers!)

Ok so I'm about to be really honest here and admit to you all that I feel really awful for what happened. Not often that I feel really bad about my parenting but today was probably one of the worst days for that. With a good result, at least.

I've been really praying about all the meltdowns that Mairi has been having lately. Like the last month or so, I'd say, and really it felt like they were getting worse/more intense.

I KNOW Mairi, and ages/stages whatever, I KNOW this isn't how she IS, that it was something bigger/deeper than simply a stage, you know? I just FELT it.

But I couldn't figure it out-I was being obsessed with nutrition, but no, that was spot on. The the whole being overtired/too busy thing. But it wasn't that either (this whole week we came home for HOURS of downtime and she would literally run all over the house and have too much energy, and I couldn't get her to sleep any earlier, she just kept talking to Keith LOL and not being tired!)

So I was like wtf. The two basic issues that cause problems, nutrition and sleep, right?

I think and think on this all day as I'm running this morning, I finally felt like I had this breakthrough.

A month ago or so, Keith and I got really annoyed/fed up with the whole ear fondling thing Mairi does and has done since she weaned at about 2, and we cut it off cold turkey. We'd been limiting it since this summer (ie not in public, not when you are just bored, only in private/at home, whatever)

Well we were just TOUCHED OUT, esp me, with Eli nursing all the time, and Mairi would often be absentminded and twist/hurt my ear, and ugh, I effing hate hate HATE the whole ear fondling thing, I always have...and I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore, so we told her no. No more ear, ever, and we didn't let her get Eli's ear, no ears at all.

Well.

There you have it, we took away, abruptly and wrongly I see now, a HUGE source of her comfort/security/coping. Before anytime she was tired she'd get her thumb and an ear for an "ear break" as she called them.

Now, she just has meltdowns and flips out.

Today we talked to her about this, and told her we felt badly that we made the wrong choice to stop letting her get ears, and we feel it might be causing her to be unable to control her emotions, and we'd like to try to start over (and i hated every minute of this b/c i've enjoyed being ear free, but i hate meltdowns more than ear fondling i guess, plus it's about her and what she needs, not me and my ear)

She was so overjoyed. She said her heart has felt so sad and lonely and like she needed ear breaks and an ear sometimes and we said no.

Poor Choofy.

I admit that part of me is like OMFG she's almost FIVE, wtf is the big freaking deal with EARS, she still has her thumb!

But, ah well, five is still kind of a baby, right? :)

So today we let her get our ears again *shudder* and not only did she NOT have any meltdowns, she also actually started on the verge of one a few times and was able to pull herself under control, use her words, and problem solve with our help instead of just flipping her crap and losing all function.

WOW.

So this is good. I hope it's really as "easy" as this, and again I feel so horribly awful to have caused this emotional turmoil but I hope we are figuring it out now.

Thanks for all the support too, I'm working on responding to comments, I'm always slow.

So I had an ok weigh in. Weight-wise it was good-I lost 3lbs, bodybugg projected 3.4lbs, so close enough for me! I'll be interested to see how it averages out over the course of time. so I'm down almost 54lbs now, that's good. My next weigh in I'll definitely be in the next "weight level" which is how I define going from one set to the next (ie 230s to 220s)

You know, at first I didn't want to unlock my weight for the world at large to see just how big I was, but geez, it's just numbers and if people SEE me, it's not like they don't KNOW I'm fat, so sharing that I'm 231.9 shouldn't really be that embarrassing. I find a certain freedom and liberation in sharing, as a matter of fact. Sprinkled with a tiny bit of shame, but oh well.

So yes, next week I should be in the 220s which feels amazing and SO close to the coveted 100s. I'd love to break 199 by the end of the year but I think that's ambitious even for me. I think it's reasonable to say I will be out of the 200s by January though, that's pretty good.

The really sad part about my WI today was-my consultant is leaving JC, this is her last week. I LOVE this girl, she's been there for FIVE YEARS which is how long I've been working with her. She's been SO instrumental in my journey and I look forward to seeing her each week, I just adore her. I'm happy for her that she got a great new job and all but so sad for ME :( I don't want to see anyone else, i want to see HER. She added me on facebook so we can keep in touch and she was just so encouraging in telling me that I'll hit my goal no problem and stuff but man. I thought she was going to finish this journey with me :(

I seriously cried like 3x about this today, I'm REALLY upset about it. I don't know why, really, except she's been someone that has stood by my side and cheered for me and BELIEVED in me at times when I absolutely didn't believe in myself and could never see myself succeeding at weight loss. She's gorgeous, skinny, and I hated her at first, and then grew to love her so much.

So now that's my sadness about my WI, I don't even want to think about seeing someone else next week, it's so depressing.

In other news, K's first weigh in was this morning and he's down 4.4lbs, GO KEITH. Here is to healthy Moores, he looks SO GOOD too, I thought he lost more than that really, b/c the difference in just a week is great.

Seriously, is it a problem that I just want to whine about my consultant leaving? Blah.

Trying to move along, I worked out 2x today, I am an addict. I lifted weights and ran a tiny bit while M was in school, and then she had gymnastics @ the Y tonight so I ran for almost an hour while she was at gymnastics. I am on a mission, y'all.

Except I will admit to personal disappointment that I have a very hard time SEEING any difference in myself. I mean there must be, my clothes fit better (or actually fit, my pre-MAIRI ones!), I feel excellent (I ran up four flights of stairs today at college and wasn't even winded!) and so on and so forth, but as for LOOKING at myself, or pics of me, I still feel disgusting. I hate it. I don't SEE what I feel inside, which I don't really know what I feel, how is that for confusing LMAO but I just feel like I look so much fatter than I feel, hahaha.

I've lost over 50lbs this year, and so you would think I could see a difference, but not so much :/ I think I look worse in some pics now than I did in pics from after Eli was born. WTF.

So at what point will my brain catch up with my body? :P

To sum up the week, Keith lost 1.69% of his body weight. And I lost 1.27%

Since March I've lost 18.6% of my body weight. That's cool.